The small but still very sharp sting in his heart surprised him. He should be used to this image by now. Besides, he had a great love of his own. Still, the sight of these two men walking towards the hospital, both holding a child, woke up some ancient yearning. He’d been first on the scene. This could have been him.
No, it couldn’t, his sense of perspective argued. If it could have, it would have.
He had trouble accepting that, without feeling a failure. A part of him realized it had nothing to do with him. Their connection – was it really just over a year ago they had been together in Dallas? – was the best they could have managed. There was nothing more there. It didn’t make him a bad person. It didn’t make Reid a bad person. It just wasn’t there. Reid had never smiled at him like he was now smiling at Luke. His whole demeanor shouted “I’m exactly where I want to be, with who I want to be with”, while Reid had always felt restless when they were together. There had never been real contentment. Not the way Reid displayed it now.
It didn’t change the fact that a part of him wished it could have been him. True, that part was diminishing slowly, but still… there was something there. A little piece of ‘why not me’. A little fraction of jealousy. A little afterpain. A sense of loss. After a deep sigh, Dr. Gary Morgan allowed himself to turn around and he quickly made his way to Bob’s. He needed something hot to warm his chilled bones.
When they entered the hospital, Danny’s hold on Luke’s neck became a little tighter and Luke gave him a encouraging smile.
“Just focus on the milkshake we’re gonna get after we’ve seen the doctor,” Luke whispered and Danny nodded with a grin.
“Can we watch?”
“Let’s ask Dr. Hughes,” Luke suggested, pointing at Chris who welcomed them with a friendly smile.
“Hi guys,” he gave Danny a nod and then focused on Zoë. “Are you ready to lose that extra weight on your leg?”
Zoë’s smile was cautious and she pushed herself to Reid some more, but Chris ignored it and opened an door.
“Just make yourselves comfortable, I’ll be in shortly.”
“Can we all go in?” Luke asked and Chris looked surprised.
“Of course.”
“Great. We wanted to be sure instead of assuming…”
The way Luke looked at Chris was telling and the doctor smiled, understanding the underlying message. Just showing the kids some common courtesy.
“I appreciate that,” the doctor gave Danny a friendly nod and pointed at the bed. “If you want to watch real close, you can sit up there.”
As he left the room, the family found a seat on bed and chairs. They didn’t have to wait long before the door opened again and Alison stepped in, pulling a cart with her.
“Good to see you all,” her smile was big and sincere. She softly caressed Danny’s hair and loved how the boy looked at her. After her firework adventure * she and Danny had some special connection and she treasured it.
Almost reluctantly she turned to Zoë. No connection there. The piercing blue eyes looked at her without any emotion and Ali’s smile was a little forced.
“Okay Zoë, let’s get this cast off of you.”
While Ali was in the middle of it, Chris returned with some papers he gave to Reid and then rolled a chair close to Zoë’s now almost bare leg. After some touching and looking, he rolled back.
“Okay…we’re gonna take a picture of the leg now, so we can make sure your leg is healed and then Nurse Stewart will put a bandage on it to give you support. You can start using the leg, but don’t overdo it.”
Zoë nodded. She liked how the doctor was really talking to her, instead of her two…she looked at them…caretakers. She couldn’t call them father. Or daddy. Not even in her head. Because they were not. She had a father. And he was dead. She didn’t need another one, let alone two.
They were nice. She agreed with Danny on that one. Both men were very nice. She could picture herself living with them for a long time. No problem. But fathers? No. Danny called them daddy, but he had never known his real father. So maybe that made it easier. But when she closed her eyes, she could see her father. With those dreamy eyes. Never completely present. ‘Spaced out’, he had called it, when she had asked him where he was. ‘I’m in another world.’
She wished she had asked him if she had been a part of that other world. She doubted it. He hardly noticed she was there most of the time. But it had been okay. This was her father. And she’d loved him. She held on to the memories of sitting together on the couch. His arm around her. At peace, after injecting that stuff into his arm. So at peace. That was her father. Not the man who’s arm was behind her now. Offering support. She liked his calmness. It reminded her of her father’s peace. It made her relax. It felt familiar. But it didn’t make him her daddy. Never.
“Are you okay?” she heard him ask and she nodded. She liked how he cared for her. How they both cared for her. It was real. She could feel that. She had always been taken care of herself, basically. She hadn’t been able to rely on her parents. It had always been like that. She didn’t know any better. Until now. It was kinda nice not to worry about stuff. Not to feel responsible. Yeah, she could picture herself living with them for a long time. This would work. But fathers? Nope. They were not.
So when the nurse asked her if she wanted ‘her daddy’ to accompany her to the X-ray room, she calmly stated: “He’s not my daddy.” Not aware of the lump that fell into Luke’s throat. Not aware of the painful twitch in Reid’s stomach. But very aware of the anger coming from Danny’s eyes.
She frowned at him. What?
“Not nice, Zoë,” Danny hissed and he wanted to say more, but stopped when Reid put his hand on his shoulder.
“It’s okay, Danny. This is how Zoë feels and that’s okay. And she’s very right. I’m not her daddy.”
“My daddy is dead,” Zoë whispered, the pain in her voice evident.
“He is,” Reid softly caressed the curls in front of him, “and we’re all very sorry that he is. Do you want me to come along to the X-ray?” He surprised himself with the calm tone he produced.
“Yes please,” the girl put her hand on his. He understood. Her statement wasn’t meant as a rejection of him. It had been an acknowledgement of her father. He understood.
“Okay then,” he scooped her up as usual, showing everybody nothing had changed. Everything was okay. He was okay. “Let’s get a picture of this leg of yours.”
Luke watched them leave. The lump in his throat was still there.
“I don’t understand why Daddy is still nice to her,” Danny was visibly mad and it made Luke smile. He recognized the boy’s need to protect his father’s feelings. That need mirrored his own.
“Daddy understands that Zoë didn’t say that to hurt him, sweetie,” Luke kissed the boy’s head, “Her parents died just a few weeks ago…you can’t expect her to forget about them.”
“Maybe,” the boy shrugged, not completely convinced.
“Imagine it was me and Daddy. That we had been killed and some loving couple took you in. Could you call him daddy after a few weeks?”
Danny frowned, deep in thought. Then he shook his head.
“No,” the anger slowly made room for understanding. And fear. “I don’t want you to die.”
“I don’t want that either,” Luke kissed the blond locks again, pulling the boy close. “Let’s hope we’ll be together for a long long time.”
For some minutes it was completely quiet in the little room. Then a soft young voice filled the air.
“Annie says we’re a good team.”
It made Luke smile and tear up at the same time.
“I’m glad.”
