She loved being here. The whole house felt like one big bubble of love and she let it embrace her like a warm blanket.
“Comfy?” Luke handed her a mug and she inhaled the smell of hot chocolate.
“Very,” she nodded, looking into the flames in front of her. “This was just what I needed.”
“Yeah, you looked a bit stressed when I found you,” Luke smiled, making himself comfortable on the couch.
“I was. It was one of those crazy days,” Ali nodded, sipping the chocolate. “But this is the perfect setting to forget about all that.”
“I’m happy to hear that,” Luke leaned back with his eyes closed. “We were so lucky to find this place.”
“It’s not just the house, Luke,” Ali turned to him now, “it’s the way you all interact. It’s the love. The complete acceptance. The honesty. I feel like I can just be who I am and that sounds normal, but it’s not. Not for me. Even when I’m at my mom’s…for some reason I always feel inadequate. Like all my mistakes are still hanging around me. But I don’t feel them here. I feel just loved.”
“I’m glad, because you are. Loved, I mean. But I’m sure your mother loves you too. And Emily… I know for a fact Emily is crazy about you. And they also made some major mistakes, so I don’t think they’re judging you.”
“I know you’re right, but still I always feel… I don’t know…like I need to live up to some sort of expectation when I’m around them.”
“Maybe you’re the one creating those high expectations,” Luke suggested and Ali looked into the fire again. When she didn’t answer, Luke continued: “That’s what I’ve been doing for a long time. Trying to live up what I thought others expected of me. But somehow it was never good enough.”
“How did you change that?”
“By realizing it’s just all part of finding your way. It’s like a treasure hunt without a map. Sometimes you take a path that leads to a place you really didn’t want to be. No big deal. You just make note of the path, so you won’t take it again, and choose another route.”
Ali laughed. “You make it sound like fun.”
“Yeah well… in hindsight it is,” Luke snorted, “but it took me some time to be able to look at it like that. But that’s how I’m changing it. I’m not blaming myself for taking those paths anymore, because it taught me about me. I guess that’s what they mean with moving on. Just exploring the roads that open up.”
“I like how you think,” Ali gave him a lazy smile. “But I’m sure it helps having your life on track right now.”
“True,” Luke agreed, “having a strong and secure foundation makes it easier.”
“You guys are something else, my friend. You’re so at ease with each other.”
Ali smiled as she recalled the picnic, earlier this evening. Instead of setting the kitchen table, Zoë had suggested they eat in the living room in front of the fire and Luke had been onboard immediately. Man and girl had created this cozy set up with a plaid on the ground and lots of cushions to sit on.
Ali had wondered how Reid would react to this. He didn’t seemed to be a picnic-kind-of-guy. She’d been wrong. The doctor had plunged himself on the cushions and had looked completely in his element on the floor. She could only imagine how he looked now, taking the kids to bed. Reading them a story.
“We’re a good team,” Luke agreed with a loving smile. “How are you and Case doing?”
The way Ali took a deep breath was telling and Luke chuckled.
“Oh boy…that good, huh?”
She joined the amusement and then shrugged.
“He asked me to move to Carbondale again, but that just doesn’t feel right. I really love my work at Memorial and I’m working my way up. Reid is a good chief and I’m not just saying that because he’s your partner. He really is a lot like Bob. He’s fair, he takes me seriously. Unlike Bob he also has so very smart ideas to keep the hospital functioning and I really enjoy being a part of that.”
Ali sighed again and looked at the fire again.
“I was afraid to tell Case, because the first time I turned him down, he didn’t take it so well. But this time he seemed to understand my point of view a bit better. And we’ve been able to find some common ground. Every other weekend I stay with him in Carbondale and that’s working out pretty good. Sometimes he’s busy with school, but that’s okay. I always find something to do and I like to watch him study. He takes it very seriously and that’s a side of him I don’t see that much. So I love that.”
“Sounds like you’re finding a balance too.”
“Yeah, we are,” Ali nodded. “And I must admit…having you guys as an example does help to make it clear for me. I never really had any good role models when it came to a solid relationship. My mother made a mess of it, Emily’s idea of true love was to shoot the guy in the back…I mean…”
Ali rolled her eyes and laughed along with Luke.
“I see your point,” Luke grinned, “and relate to it, too. Let’s be honest…my parents weren’t exactly this exemplary couple either. And it messed me up pretty bad. I still can feel a sudden fear to tell Reid something he’s not gonna like, because I’m afraid he’ll leave me. But then I realize I don’t want to live like that anymore and I decide to trust Reid’s love. But it’s still in my system.”
Ali, still sitting on a cushion on the floor, leaned her head back against Luke’s leg.
“Thanks for sharing that. I think I thought the right love would just cure all those wounds.”
“Eventually they will, but you will have to do the healing. No one else can do that for you. If you want to change your patterns, you’ll have to change the behavior. There’s no way around that.”
“So there’s still hope for me?”
“Without a doubt,” Luke ruffled Ali’s hair. “You could start by trusting the love. I know Case loves you. You don’t have to prove you’re worthy. Case knows how awesome you are and so should you.”
“When I hear you say that, I immediately hear all those objections in my head. Telling me I’m not awesome at all.”
“I know,” Luke’s fingers were still playing with Ali’s locks. “Been there, done that. Just ignore that and focus on things that make you proud. Dr. Michaels introduced the Proud Journal to me and maybe that could work for you too…”
Luke explained the principle and Ali turned, so she could look Luke in the eye.
“That sounds great!” she nestled herself against Luke’s leg and smiled.
The bubble of love really started to find its way into her body. She could feel it. She was no longer just present, she was a part of it. Yes, she’d made a lot of mistakes, but she’d also done a lot of good. The moment she focused on that, she could feel the love flow inside of her. For the first time in a long time she felt hope. No, it was even more than just hope. It was a trust that she finally found a way out. Out of the guilt, out of the shame, out of the past.
“Thanks for loving me, Luke.”
She smiled when she felt Luke’s fingers in her hair again.
“It’s my pleasure.”
Today it’s exactly one year ago I published my first Luke and Reid fan fiction. At that time I had NO idea it would be the first chapter of this Word Soap 🙂 But these two men – and the actors that gave them a face – turned out to be an ongoing source of inspiration!
If you’d like to thank them for that (or other things) please join our Thanksgiving event: the Wall of Gratitude.
For Eric: click HERE
For Van: click HERE
Thanks!!!
